Planes

[alan sh]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems  with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
 that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (marked with a 'P'), and the solutions recorded by> maintenance engineers (marked with an 'S').
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
 
 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
 
 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
 P: Something loose in cockpit.
 S: Something tightened in cockpit
 
 P: Dead bugs on windshield.
 S: Live bugs on back-order. (I love this one)
 
 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200ft per min descent.
 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 S: Evidence removed.
 
 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 
 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S: That's what friction locks are for.
 
 P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
 P: Suspected crack in windshield.
 S: Suspect you're right.
 
 P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
 P: Aircraft handles funny. (love this one too!!)
 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 
 P: Target radar hums.
 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
 P: Mouse in cockpit.
 S: Cat installed.
 
 And the best one for last..................
 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
 S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Jimmyb]

OK as an aircraft safety engineer, found them very funny, and maybe you will all realise what we have to put up with from pilots.